


All for nothing at all

by TranslatorError



Category: Re:ゼロから始める異世界生活 | Re:Zero Starting Life in Another World (Anime)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, content warnings for mental breakdown vomitting hallucinations compulsive thoughts etc, heavy arc 6 spoilers, no exact time frame though, set around just after subaru meets louis arneb, ship can be implied if you squint, sorry if it is a little incoherent I tried to follow WN style, spoiler//meili isnt actually here, the usual re zero affair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:42:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28386450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TranslatorError/pseuds/TranslatorError
Summary: CONTENT WARNING: ARC 6 SPOILERS/Mental breakdown/vomitting/compulsive thoughts of violence/hallucinationMeili's voice sticks with him throughout it all. When he's with the others, it is okay, because he knows that the voice he hears isn't real. But when he's alone and the deaths replay in his head, it all comes tumbling down.Julius is the one who responds to his cries, for better or for worse.
Relationships: Julius Juukulius | Julius Euclius & Natsuki Subaru
Comments: 4
Kudos: 39





	All for nothing at all

When the ambience dulls, he can still hear her voice in his ear. Meili has ceased her calls for bloodshed as he returns to what he assumes is "normal" for [Natsuki Subaru.] But she's still there, and he's aware of her acutely, and it's a presence that reminds him of how bad ends happen so abruptly.

One small shove and he's down the stairs. A hand around the throat and it's over. Taking life is remarkably easy. They're an assassin. No, that's incorrect.

[I, Meili Portroute] am an assassin.  
Natsuki Subaru is a void.  
[Natsuki Subaru] is... 

Everyone looks to him for proceeding with the tower. He laughs it off the first time it happens; relying on a shut-in for advice? Of all the capable people present? Then he wonders how much of a liar his predecessor was to have tricked them all. Maybe he'd abused the authority to learn their weak spots. It only took the present Subaru a few tries to undo Meili's passing. Still, he hears the young girl's voice and trembles when she turns to him. She had died to his hands. He had died to her hands.

They're both murderers biding their time to escape. He couldn't resent her for trying to run off while she could - being only let out for the worst possible situation? He'd have given up long before her. Subaru has only been around for at most a day here, and he's already contemplated their murders. Attempted, even.

Gluttony's testimony did not dull his feelings of separation. Louis was right that they had given him a beginning, even if that beginning was to consume the new Natsuki Subaru. He had to keep himself together for that sake, to not be permanently dead to the world. To not disappoint Emilia, or Beatrice, or the countless others who relied on him.

If only he could be half the man they thought he was. Subaru was not a swindler, not in the fashion that [Natsuki Subaru] is, and to try to emulate that bravado was to actively lie to everyone that things will be okay.

And it's possible their [Subaru] wasn't as strong an actor as he'd thought, given how easily they believe Subaru when he placates their anxieties. To have such a disgusting power, there was little doubt in his mind he hadn't needed to put in any work into his relationships beyond cutting the loop when he picked the wrong choice. Saving and reloading is awfully convenient.

Subaru sits in the library with cheer plastered on his face as he swears to patch himself together. Books of the dead fill the shelves around him, taunting him with the possibility of recreating the [Natsuki Subaru] of old. Emilia catches him drifting off and assumes it's his desperation to help out, to do something for the people who depend on him. He promises not to look through the books, but he knows his words are double crossed with the impostor that resides in him.

Natsuki Subaru was here.

Would he write it over the library? Over the books? Over the people he's potentially killed?

Natsuki Subaru was here. Natsuki Subaru was here. Natsuki Subaru was here. 

The marks have long faded from his arm. The words have dissipated into the new loop. The bookcase's wood is sturdy and could take the carving with ease.

(Which Natsuki Subaru is he referring to? One is dead, the other is a ghost. Gluttony offered the trade and his avarice declined. If he had taken the offer, what would be the proof of his existence...?)

Natsuki Subaru was here. Natsuki Subaru was here. Natsuki Subaru was here. Natsuki Subaru was here. Natsuki Subaru was here. Natsuki Subaru was here. Natsuki Subaru was here. Natsuki Subaru was here. Natsuki Subaru was here. Natsuki Subaru was here. Natsuki Subaru was here. Natsuki Subaru was here. Natsuki Subaru was here. Natsuki Subaru was here. Natsuki Subaru was here. 

The rock he picks is jagged, and pierces his palms as the grip becomes weaker, and weaker, and slips from his hands. When he snaps out of it, he cries. Sobs openly to the cemetery library. Meili is mocking his cries, but she's dead, so her opinion doesn't matter. 

He's so pathetic.

With his wails carrying through the floor, it should be unsurprising someone answers. Julius bursts in expecting a fight - had Gluttony come by? Was he too late once more? - and drops his sword at the scribbles on the bookcase.

"Subaru?" He wavers. The racket doesn't stop. "Subaru, are you okay?"

"...There's something wrong with me."

He approaches slowly, akin to how one would approach a wild animal, and kneels by the distraught knight's side. "Talk to me. I won't reprimand you for it."

"Reprimand, huh," Subaru sniffles. His voice wobbles when he addresses Julius. "Say, you're a knight. Have you ever had times where you... hear the voices of the people you couldn't save?"

Meili was not the only one he had let down. Countless others, in the 5 different loops. But Meili died to his hand, and he watched her life after the fact. His memories, already so fragile, were being overwritten by hers.

"A few times. After battles it is commonplace to regret the people you could not help." After you lost your memories, he does not say, but the words linger in the air between them. 

"I could have, though! If I wasn't so weak. If I was smarter. If I was the Subaru you all remembered..."

"You are the man we remember. I don't know who you're referring to, but the Subaru we know was not so dependable as you think. He wept and relied on the good fortune of others to survive."

"Then why, Julius? Why do you choose him, why do you go so far to give him that good fortune?"

Fundamentally - and this is something Subaru will never be able to say - there's a boundary between him and the others. Julius, who is missing his connections, is still able to connect with others. Rem, empty, is loved as much as any person here. Anastasia (Echidna?) is an outlier that is still counted in the tally.

There is no room for Natsuki Subaru, the child of Gluttony, Louis Arneb.  
There is no room for Natsuki Subaru, the child of Natsuki Kenichi and Natsuki Naoko.  
There is no room for Meili Portroute, the child of Ca-

That's the conclusion to it all. Their rescue mission, whatever reason led them to the Pleiades... was never going to work out. Too many pieces are missing. Subaru can patch up the puzzle as he likes. It is incomplete.

There is no room for Flugel, great sage...

WARNING: Save file is corrupted. Continue anyway? (This may overwrite your save file.)  
>YES NO

"-Aside from those things, you were the only one who remembered me. Someone who held me, my brother, the countless victims of Gluttony, in your memory so we are not forgotten. I was willing to come here for my memory, and to come here for -"

He's still going on. Meili pouts on top of a precarious pile of books. Really, now would be the perfect time to act.

It isn't Julius' turn yet.

Meili, Subaru, Julius, Emilia, Shaula, Ram, Echidna, Beatrice, Rem.

While the will for bloodshed had been snuffed with his life in that loop, the list still remains. A reminder to his cruel nature, how willing he is to throw away the lives of the many to rebuild Subaru from memory. From the Books of the Dead they'd leave behind.

(Why had he warned Julius when he saw the witchbeast? Why hadn't he taken the chance to read his book?)

A voice chides him (Another person? How many had Subaru killed to have this many identities within him...) for his diligence. Truly, how slothful.

Purple would look good when splattered with red.

Subaru(?) hurls at the thought.

"That was quite long winded. My apologies- Are you okay?" Julius near leapt to his aid, rubbing his back soothingly.

"Get - Get away from me!" 

"I know you dislike me. But please, let me assist you here-"

"No! You don't know how fucked up this is. I keep seeing you die over and over, and there's nothing you can do!" The part on how his death was his fault is omitted. Hands hold Subaru's heart, warning him if he brings up anymore.

"Subaru, you... It's okay. The miasma is thick, and the books are heavy on the mind. I am alive, as much as you may oppose that."

Ain't that the truth, Meili dryly comments. He was cuter when he was limping, reliant on Subaru to warn him.

Ah, that was what Louis had said about him. All his kindness was self-gratification; Subaru imposed on others so they would be helpless when he wasn't around. It's a sickening, sickening, nauseating, putrid view of the world.

He hurls again.

"Please. You can tell me what's wrong, Subaru. I cannot shame you, or judge you, no matter the words you speak. You gave me a will to move forward, let me pay back the favour."

He doesn't shut up, does he? What a noi~sy big brother. Guess you'll have to silence him yourself.

"...Shut up." He whispers, staring at the pile of books with pure hatred.

"Who do you see when you look around?" Julius observes his behaviour with interest. When angry at Julius, he would dart his eyes to the left, but still keep his head angled towards him.

Why was he facing the books he had previously read with such contempt?

"I..." see the person I have killed mocking me. "Gluttony is..." Not here, but a convenient scapegoat.

"What are they saying?" Julius seems to be a lot more comfortable with prying than he was before. Before? Before when...?

In another loop maybe. He doesn't know. He wants to know but he cannot know.

Subaru swallows down bile, if only to quell the questions Julius does not ask. His arm itches. Subaru wants to scratch, and scratch, and scratch, and scratch, and

Rem called him a hero.

"I could've... killed them then. They were right there, in front of me, they said I could go ahead. But if I did what would become of me? If Natsuki Subaru, dead to the world, returns, what happens to the Natsuki Subaru of the present? Who would remember me?" He trails off. It's a little unfair to vent to someone who no one remembers about his fears of being forgotten.

Maybe that's why he can vent to Julius. He's the only one who understands this fear inherently.

"I would," Julius jumps to answer. "I would remember you, even if you weren't the man we trusted in. No matter who you are, to me, you are important."

The words aren't magical cure-alls. Deep down he knows that he will never ease his burdens off his chest. No one can know what he has done in the loops that precede this one. Hell, no one can know of his Return by Death, if the heartburn says anything. But there's a small reassurance in his words, almost invisible, that the Natsuki Subaru here is wanted. Even if it is because of the late Subaru, Julius is willing to remember the one that occupies his space.

Yet, the small affirmation gives him peace, in the fucked up sense of it all. The man forgotten by the world is the one that'll carry his (legacy? He hasn't even cleared a floor by himself. Only that Subaru could do such a thing) memory. Julius' words should have no impact on him, not when Meili's incessant teasing has been wearing on him for what felt like days, yet it does, and it grounds him, and he can breathe without staggering, he can move without stumbling, he can think without violence, and it's because of him.

And perhaps he senses that shift from derealisation to reality, and that's why Julius lets go. It could also be embarrassment, for holding him for so long without his permission. Subaru calls out to him for the flush blooming in his cheeks.

'Purple would look good splattered with red,' is what Meili had murmured to him. She was right, but probably not in the way she had expected. 

"If you want someone to hold you, perhaps you should seek the spirit you employ." Julius fixes his hair compulsively, moving the strands that had been jostled as he stood up. Subaru wants to play with them, but he'd rather die than admit it.

"I don't need your permission to get hugs from my lovely Beako. Are you jealous she doesn't have to ask first?"

"Are you jealous she is the only one that will hold you?"

"No! Shaula would hold me if I wanted it! And if I didn't want it, thinking about it now..."

"Well, I'll make sure to ask her for her services. I'm sure she would adore taking care of you." The smirk he wears is clearly forced, trying to play up the status quo of the bickering relationship they supposedly have. 

Subaru knows that this is a farce to cheer him up. To make him feel closer to the people who remember him more than he remembers himself. He shouldn't be satisfied with just that, but it's enough for now. They can work on the rest when his head isn't swimming, and when they've mopped up the mess he made of himself.

**Author's Note:**

> ouch okay this wasn't supposed to last as long as it did, but I'm pretty happy with the end result!
> 
> subaru goes through a lot this arc, and the time with meili fascinated me because of how his guilt manifests into her. i havent yet read tsugihagu myself, but i've read the wiki summary and it is super interesting to explore interpretations of how survivor's guilt hits someone who technically never survives the fights he goes through.
> 
> that being said, im sorry if anything here is a little clunky and jarring. i tried to both go for something similar to the WN and go for describing how your thoughts can just go all scrambled when under such tremendous weight. especially subaru, the unreliable protagonist we all love and adore. i hope you enjoy it, and lemme know what you think!
> 
> if you want to talk to me about re:zero (please do) my discord handle is pidgie#1060, and id love to work on more re zero stuff whenever i next get a plot bunny for it. as of writing this i've only read up to chapter 69 (nice) so i dont know what really happens after the reid reveal


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